My Father

Twelve years ago, I found out that the person who I thought was my father, wasn't. Since then, I had tried to find out who is my real father. Nobody in my family would tell me, for whatever reasons they may have had. My mom refused to tell me. Twelve years.

A couple days ago, I sat down with my mom and she told me my story, even if it was the abridged version. I now know his name. I know my name too, since I wasn't born a Santana. I picked that up when my mom married my step father when I was two. I know....

And what changed? Nothing. I may not have been born a Santana but I AM a Santana. It is all I know. I am no different now that I know who my father is than when i didn't know. The only difference between now and before is that I know the name of one more stranger in this world.

My Old Blogs...

I am deleting my MySpace account and decided to take some of my old blogs with me. So, I'm posting them here. It's really interesting to read some of the stuff now.

Monday, March 13, 2006 - Protesting

Okay, so this is a little late but I had to say something about it. I was watching the protests here in Chicago against the anti-immigration law being pushed through congress. Before I say anything else, it was a very moving experience and gave me hope that people will rise up to challenge what they see as being unfair. I was very proud to see so many people speaking out in what they believe, and at the same time, going about it in a peaceful manner.

The one thought that came back into my mind was this. The protest will amount to nothing, in the long run. Nobody will care that more than 100,000 people rallied for immirant rights. And I was right. How much news did the event take up? Nobody's talking about it today and it happened last week! The largest single rally in god knows how long in Chicago and it's no longer news the next day. The bill in question will pass. Why? Because of the sheer amount of people out there who are scared of "immigrants". Nevermind that we a nation of immigrants, founded on the notion of taking in other countries cast aways. But, at some point, we closed our doors to those who we deemed worthless. There's no more opportunity here. Unless you happen to have an advanced degree in computer programming. Then, according to the law in question, the process of gaining a VISA is easy. Going for your Ph. D. in Computer Science? If you agree to work for an American Company, you can stay all you want!

So, yeah, the protest did fail and the bill will pass, maybe after be altered so that doctors and social workers won't have to face charges for helping out illegal immigrants. It makes the whole thing really sad.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 - Democracy

I've been trying to figure out how to word this and I think I got it. Here's the reason why we will not succeed in Iraq. We, the US, are a bunch of arrogant assholes who believe that it's either our way or the highway.

We are in Iraq, attempting to install a democratic government and most of us can't believe that there are people who are fighting against the democratic values that we are trying to install. That's just it, though. We are approaching this like we are in a lab and there is a formula to follow. We expect that once A is done, B will happen and will lead to C and so on. That just won't happen.

We have to take into account the Iraqi people and their beliefs. They are a deeply religious and very proud people (Baghdad is the birthplace of Algebra and was once the leading center for the sciences throughout the world). They have a history that pre-dates any European civilization and have seen most of the civilized people (Greeks, Romans, etc.) come and go. They are not Americans by no means but the form of democracy that we are forcing down their throats is purely American. Democracy is not something that is rigid, inflexible and does not take into account the social makeup of the people. Democracy is something that is supposed to sprout from the social makeup of the people. They use their social values and common sense to create a form of government that best works for them, not accept a form of democracy that worked for a totally different group of people with different values.

Democracy is like a poem. What the poem says will remain the same but it can and will be interpreted different ways, depending on the experiences and background of the reader.

So, think about it for a second. I know my blog might not be the best written argument that I could have put forth but I only write first drafts and I write from my heart. We need to realize that we are making a huge mistake and stop meddling in the Iraqi people's affairs. It is time that we let them learn for themselves just what democracy is and how to apply it to their lives.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 - Relationships

The biggest mistake that you can make in a relationship is not being yourself when you first meet people. If a person cannot accept you for who you are, then don't be with/associate with that person.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Communication is necessary for any relationship. The other person is not a mind reader and cannot know how you feel about anything unless you tell them. Dont expect for the other person to just know when something is wrong. At the same time, make sure that what you are saying has some meaning. Dont say things just to say them. If you do, beware of the consequences. Understand that for the most part, once you say something, you can never take it back. Its already out there so make sure you mean what you are saying.

Trust. This is what a relationship is all about. Think about it. There is no relationship if there is no trust. It doesnt matter what kind of relationship, friendship, co-workers, husband/wife, trust DEFINES a relationship. That being said, you cant date someone and not trust that person. If you are feeling insecure about the relationship, talk about it with your partner. If you still feel insecure about the relationship, then make the choice of dealing with it or getting out.

Related to trust is faith. You need to have faith that the other person in the relationship will be there, have your back, do the right thing and not hurt you. You have to give the person this faith blindly (if you are religious, then you already do it, you have blind faith in God, why not in another human?) and it is that persons to lose. If the other person does something to lose your faith in him/her, then dont beat yourself up for trusting that person, learn from it and move on.

No relationship is perfect. Because the relationship involves two imperfect people, the relationship itself is inherently flawed. Once you understand this, you can see that the key to being in a lasting relationship is dealing with the imperfections. No relationship is easy. You have to be always working at the relationship, no matter how good it may be. Theres always room for improvement.

Finally, leave your past relationships out of your current one. The person standing before you is not the person you were with so dont treat them like it. You chose to be in the relationship, and its not fair to both parties if you are judging a person by your previous experiences. Not all men and women are alike. Because your ex cheated on you, doesnt mean that all your future partners will. If this is your mentality, then you have no business being in a relationship. Clearly, you have not gotten over your past experiences and I cannot not stress how unfair this is for any new relationships. Youre relationship will be doomed from the start.

Ill add new ones later, I have to go to work. Bye.

Monday, July 31, 2006 - Who Am I?

At some point, I stopped caring what other people thought of me. Well, for the most part. There was a time when I was consumed by the idea that I had to fit in. I then realized that I don't really fit in anywhere and have since come to grips with that. Actually, I wouldn't have it any other way. Coming from a mixed heritage (Mexican and Haitian), I saw the world without a racial barrier. I still do not see how people could justify not interacting with others because of race. As I grew older, I began to stop grouping people by religion or sexual orientation. None of that really matters in the long run, since anything you can say about one group of people can apply to any other group of people.

That's it.

Monday, October 23, 2006 - ....

So, Saturday night, a brick shattered the front window of my apartment. I noticed it, went outside and flagged down a cop car that was passing by. They came in, filed a police report and left, not really looking for the brick (it's still on the front porch). Well, I'm writing this blog because there's more to the story and I don't know what to do. The person who is responsible for the brick is named Porky. Yeah, that's his name. He is an SD. He's 20 years old and lives two houses away from me. I'm pretty sure he got someone else to throw the brick but he is the one who wanted it done. Let me tell you about Porky.

This kid was sent to jail for something he supposedly didn't do. He took the blame for someone else because he's in a gang. So, when I moved into my neighborhood, he was locked up. Well, he got released and is on parole. You would figure that if you are on parole, you have to follow a strict schedule and your activities are monitored. Well, not Porky. He checks in whenever he feels like it and is always out and about. You would also figure that he would be required to find a job, finish school, do something else but he keeps his lazy butt on the street. He had a job for a while, selling drugs from his house but I don't see them doing that anymore. The cops know who he is and they had him in cuffs a couple of times since he's been released.

The whole time, his family has defended him, out of love, and have said that he's not that bad. Really, he doesn't fit the mold, if there is one, of someone in a gang. Both of his parents are together, they both love and care for him. His family, is by far, not a bad family. But, he became an SD and that's all he lives for now. Well, now he has hit his girlfriend, twice that I know of. He has yelled at his mom, who protects him regardless of he situation, and has hit his dad. This brings us to Saturday night.

I am dating Porky's sister. She is a great girl and even though we had some rough times, we are at the point where I feel the rough times are behind us… well, outside of this glaring problem. Porky, my girlfriend and her children all live in the same house. I was over with my girlfriend, trying to decide what to do. Porky enters and uses the house phone to call his mom to ask for the car. His mom says no. Well, he proceeds to call her a bitch. My girlfriend told him that he shouldn't call him that and he got pissed. He started saying how he's an SD and doesn't have to listen to anybody. He started dropping f-bombs everywhere, saying that he could do anything he wanted and she nor I was going to stop him. I kept my mouth shut since he's a punk and I really didn't want any trouble. I finally get my girlfriend to come into the room and close the door. She keeps talking and he hears her, tells her to fuck herself and to shut up. Well, my girlfriend doesn't like it and now we have round 2.

Porky next says that he's going to hit her. He says "fuck you and your kids too", at which point, my girlfriend gets really upset (you don't talk about anybody's kids). She is yelling at the top of her lungs at this point. Now, I'm not sure what was said but it is at this point that he gets closer to her and says that he's going to hit her. Now, as much as I keep my mouth shut, it's not out of fear but because Porky is pretty puny, barely 150 pounds and so I would stomp on him. It wouldn't even be a fair fight. But, when he approached my girlfriend, I told him that he wasn't going to do anything. He looked at me and said that he is going to shoot me once I come outside and "we'll see what's up". Ever since then, I've seen him once more, Sunday afternoon, talking to his dad. He saw me glaring at him and he just smiled. That's when I knew he was responsible for throwing the brick.

Now, what's the point of my blog? It's that our justice system is flawed. I can go to the police and say all of this but they won't do anything because I don't have hard evidence. Nobody saw him throw the brick and just because he said what he said, he did not act upon his threat. It'll be my word against his and his mom because she will protect and lie for him. She has done so in the past. As a matter of fact, the moms said that it's my fault for opening my mouth. My girlfriend is worried now because he is liable to shoot me or jump me on my way home. And it won't be me fighting just him, he'll bring his whole crew with him.

The system must change. Everybody knows who is doing what in the neighborhood, even the cops but they won't do anything until something happens.

Friday, March 02, 2007 - Haiti

So I went to Haiti a couple of weeks ago. Before I went, I read up on the news coming from Haiti, saw the State Department's travel warning (which in hindsight, is the funniest thing ever!) and caught up on the history/demographics on websites like wikipedia and through the CIA's world fact book website. After taking in information from all of those sources, all signs were pointing to a very unsafe, negative and poverty stricken environment.

The flight from Miami to Port-au-Prince was pretty short, 1 ½ hours. We flew American Airlines and my only complaint is that a ceiling panel was about to fall out and the crew kept walking pass and tried to bang it back into place. Not a pleasant sight for me since I was already on edge since I did not know what to expect. As soon as the plane landed, I told myself that I will go ahead and take in this experience with an open mind because sometimes, you just have to find out for yourself just what the situation is. So, with that, I stepped off the plane.

Let me tell you. It was damn hot! I mean 95 degrees hot! I know it was hot because we got off the plane like they use to in the old days. They drove staircases to the exits of the plane and people just stepped off onto the tarmac. Awesome! Engine still running and all! As I stepped off the plane, I looked around and I saw mountains. I mean, they were everywhere. So, my first thoughts of the country were that it's hot and has lots of mountains. Not bad.

It has taken me a while to be able to express how I felt there. Maybe because, it was shocking just how a lot of what I read about Haiti was wrong. We traveled along the Caribbean coast, stopping in towns such as Jacmel and Port-Salute and Tiburon, I never felt unsafe. The countryside was beautiful, with mountains on one side and the coast on the other, all underneath a hot sun that occasionally hid behind a puffy white cloud, it was like something was wrong with my vision because I felt that all the colors were just too vibrant to be real. Take a look at the pictures of the first day of Carnival and you'll understand.

The people were friendly. Well, they weren't unfriendly but they looked at us with a curiosity that lasted as long as at it took for us to drive past. We stopped in a town and parked next to what was a college. There were students all around and they looked at us for a moment and two to wonder who we were and went about their lives. Nobody came to try to kidnap us and few people approached to beg for money.

I have to get going and I know I did a bad job of describing my experience there. I will write another blog to complete my story but in the meantime, if you want to know how it felt to be there for me, try to find and listen to Richard Pryor's stand-up bit about when he went to Africa for the first time. That is my experience.

Thursday, March 15, 2007 - Freedom vs. Safety

I was asked, not too long ago, "which would I rather have, Freedom or Safety?" At first, it seems like a difficult question. I mean, everybody wants to be free AND safe, right? Why do I have to choose between the two? Then I thought about it. The choice is not that hard at all. As a matter of fact, it's a lot easier of a question than we realize. If faced with the choice, I will pick freedom, 100%, hands down every time. Ask George Washington if he wanted to be free or safe, I'm sure he'll back me up on this. You see, freedom has never, ever been safe. As a matter of fact, to be free is to live in constant danger. Throughout history, humans have always tried to make others subservient and those who were subservient strived to be free. There will always be people out there trying to take away our freedom and we must always fight them.

So, if this question is so simple, why is there so much debate on the subject? Well, since the dawn of time, humanity strived for safety. It's something that is embedded into our very being. We need to be safe. That's why it takes a special person to risk their safety for someone else, put their lives on the line for an ideal or a purpose. When faced with the choice of being free or being safe, people are faced with choosing between something that we all strived for (safety) and something that is actually very foreign to mankind (freedom). You can't fight me on this, history is filled with civilizations that enslaved others. It is what we know, it was how we lived. Hell, even the bible listed rules regarding slavery (Leviticus 25:44-46) (Exodus 21:20-21) (Titus 2:9-10) and not one of them says to set them free. Freedom is a foreign concept to humanity. This is why we pick safety. This is why so many are okay with the loss of a few personal freedoms. They collectively scream "I WANT TO BE SAFE!"

I brought up George Washington earlier to make a point. He faced enemies that came from across an ocean to fight him. He also faced enemies that might have lived next door. There were a lot of colonists that didn't want freedom but wanted to be safe. They would rather be subjected to the rule of the King of England than rather control their own destinies. If it meant that they would be inconvenienced, they wanted no part of it. Why upset the status quo? England provided protection from the French and the Indians. They provided a way of life that made living for most colonists comfortable. They offered stability. The colonists were safe. Why upset that? Think about that the next time someone tells you that we must give up some of our personal freedoms to be safe. Think about how George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and the rest of our founding fathers would have felt if they were asked to do the same. Sure, we live in more dangerous times and our enemies are many but to be American is to be free. We owe it to all those that came before us to fight for our freedom. To sit back and let our freedoms be taken away in the name of safety is the greatest of insults to those who have fought and died for those very freedoms that we willingly give away.

Monday, April 16, 2007 - Hurricane Katrina CNN Interview

I remember sitting on my sofa and watching CNN reports about hurricane Katrina approaching New Orleans. The night before the storm hit, a reporter went along the gulf coast and interviewed people. One person they interviewed had his family behind him. The reporter asked the question that was probably on everybody's mind, "What the hell are you still doing here? Why don't you leave!" The guy looked at the reporter and said that he had no way to leave. He was a fisherman and had no money, his truck was busted and nobody was coming to get them out. So, the best thing that he could do was to move his family into his fishing boat (it was a trowler so had room for his family) and sweat out the storm there. I remember thinking how insane that would be, to ride out a hurricane in a boat. I felt sorry for the family.

It wasn't until I recently received an email with pictures taken as the hurricane made landfall that I remembered them. I scoured through the CNN archives but can not find any mention of the family. I was hoping that they would have done a follow up, just to see if they had survived.

Sunday, January 06, 2008 - Black President?

The question was, "Is this world ready for a black president". My answer is:

I'm not even going to read the rest of the comments, I'm going to reply to your question. What's the difference between a black or white president? Can one race be better than the other? What about hispanics or asians? Can a woman be a better president than a man? Should we ever elect someone who is of islamic faith? Focusing on the race, sex, religion of a candidtate has nothing to do with what the candidates stand for or their ability to lead this nation. We are electing somone to lead us and the ONLY qualities that we should focus on are those that offer proof that the person we elect IS THE BEST CANDIDATE for the job, not if he/she is man or woman, black or white.

I share the same sentiment with you in regards to our society, I do not believe that a majority of people are ready for a black president, or a woman president for that matter. It's really sad that that is the case.

Is this nation ready for a black president? I believe a better question would be, is this nation ready to look past differences and elect a great president. I'm not saying that Obama would be a great president, but until we stop choosing people to lead us for all the wrong reasons (HE looks "presidential", HE outraised his opponents, ect.) and start looking at candidates that show us that they can lead this great nation, we wil always sell ourselves short. We will always do this country a great disservice.

Now, I am going to ask you all to do two things for me. First, vote in the upcoming elections. Second, vote for the person who you think is the BEST person for the job. It doesn't matter if it's democrat or republican, black or white, man or woman. Do your research, find out what the candidates stand for and vote for who you think is best qualified. There is no such thing as a wasted vote.

Friday, July 20, 2007 - Politicians

I was on a train, heading to work and overheard a lady say that all politicians have failed the average citizens. That comment hit me like a ton of bricks, and up until now, I didn't know why.

Politicians haven't failed the citizens. We know who and what we are getting when we elect our officials. We know that this person will not live up to their campaign promises, for the most part. We know that they will face enormous pressure from big businesses to come into the fold and vote certain ways. We know that at the end of the day, no matter what your platform states, our elected representatives will have to play the game, compromising the interests of their constituents if needed.

No, our politicians have not failed us because we know all of this and still vote for them. If it is anybody who has failed the citizens, it is the citizens themselves. We have a responsibility in this whole system to hold our elected officials, NO MATTER WHO THAT PERSON IS, to be accountable for their actions. We choose these people because we feel that they will have OUR BEST INTEREST in mind when they make decisions. It is OUR JOB to make sure they follow through.

We, for the most part, have sat here and taken everything that they dished out. We believe every word that they say, without doing our research. We sit here with the notion that we cannot change anything and it is not our job to interfere with the government. But, we do cause change by our votes and it is our job to have a say in government because THEY ARE WORKING FOR US! It is their job to serve the citizens of the United States and we let them off with a free pass because we lost track of how the system is supposed to work.

7/9/08 Update

Another update, but not much has changed. Still not working and it's beginning to upset me. But, there is nothing I can do but continue on and keep sending my resume out. I know of people who have been out of work for as long or even longer than I have so I know it's not just me. But, still, this is ridiculous!

So, in the meantime, I have been playing a lot of volleyball. I also have been helping a friend paint her house and will help out someone in their shop. It's not work but it's something to keep me busy, which is what I need. I'm also thinking about becoming a bartender... I think about it sometimes and feel that that is something I can excel at. It would be fun so I'm looking into doing that until something else comes along. We'll see.

So, that's my update. Insomnia is still here, but I'm getting better. I got about 6 hours of sleep the past two nights, which is pretty good, compared to the past two weeks.

What the @#% is a Birthmonth???

Alright, last year, I tried to bring out the 30 days of fun for my 30th birthday but halfway through it, I lost my job and had to cancel the rest of it.

Well, almost a year later and still out of work, my 31st birthday is coming up and I've been thinking long and hard about what I'm going to do. While it's not going to be an all out, balls to the wall bash that I want it to be, I am going to celebrate my birthmonth in style.

For those of you guys that have known me for a while, my previous five birthdays have been extended parties. First, when I turned 25, I celebrated for a weekend. Once I turned 26 (my golden birthday), I celebrated for 2 weeks and have tried to do that ever since. So, turning 30 last year brought about a new concept for me... celebrating my birthmonth. I never made a big deal about my birthday in the past, and I am always going out of my way to help other people so I feel that I can get away with taking the whole month of September as an excuse to go out and have fun with friends and family.

So, what do I have in store? Well, I thought of all the things that I like to do and will try my best to do all of them within the 30 days of September. First off, I LOVE food so I will be dining at some of my favorite restaurants. So far, I will be having Persian, Vietnamese, Cuban, Puerto Rican, Dim Sum and Sushi. I only need to find a sushi restaurant and that part of my birthmonth celebration will be completely planned out.

Next, I love sports so I will be attending a White Sox game (and hopefully, a Bears game too but since I'm out of a job, we'll have to wait and see if I do that). I should also be able to put together a softball team (12" softball) and our basketball league will be back so I can keep myself busy with all of those activities!

I will also have a Karaoke party. I haven't done that in a long time but last time I did it, I had 20 people out with me, singing and having a good time. You don't have to sing but it's always fun to just watch bad singers (i.e. me) go up and make a fool out of themselves. I think I can get more than 20 people this time around to come out and have some fun.

Finally, the plan is to be in Vegas on my actual birthday (September 26), which is on a Friday this year. Once again, not working is a problem with planning this but going to Vegas combines my love for traveling, partying and playing poker and craps all into one weekend! I know of a few people who'll be able to go with me so I'm hoping that it happens.

So, that's what I mean by birthmonth... Even though it sounds outrageous and complicated, it's pretty simple and just as long as my main goal is achieved, having a fun time with my family and friends, then I'm happy and don't care what happens. Happy Birthmonth to me!